In the Dark
by Lucas Parker
Summary: Kate didn't know how to explain it exactly. There was just something about Max Caulfield that made her heart ache.


Kate didn't know how to explain it exactly.

There was just something about Max Caulfield that made her heart ache.

x

Kate had never been very outgoing. In fact, she generally kept to herself. The was always this lingering feeling of discomfort around other people, even with the few friends she did have.

School was not the refuge her parents had promised and the one thing that brought her solace was also the source of her isolation. It didn't help that she couldn't bring herself to exert any energy into social activities that might have brought her out of her shell.

Elementary school bled into middle school and eventually high school. The time spent at each of these places is a blur. No matter how many years had passed, there was one thing that was always a constant.

She was alone.

Blackwell was supposed to be different. The summer before, Kate had resolved to make a change and told herself she would do all the things she had opted out of before, no matter how difficult they might be. She would enjoy her last year before college.

Then the Vortex Club party happened.

The mild bullying she had experienced beforehand intensified after the video was released. When she walked down the halls of the dorms or the school, probing leers followed her. Degenerate gazes dragged along the length of her body, exposing her. The looks made her skin crawl as the weight of her anguish steadily mounted.

The teasing became relentless. Each word was a vice like claw gently curling around her throat, slowly choking the life out of her.

The God she had once found comfort in was silent in her suffering. Her mother had turned away from her in disgust. Alyssa and Stella, the two people she had managed to become friends with, kept their distance, as if ashamed of being seen with the 'Viral Slut of Blackwell.'

Her thoughts turned progressively dark and she became fixated with the idea of dying.

As she walked up the stairs to the roof of the girls dorm, she felt like she could finally breathe. Each step was a weight was lifting from her shoulders. That moment on top of the ledge was the most peace she had felt in weeks.

But then there was Max.

Clumsy, soft spoken, well meaning Max; the only one to reach out to her as despair became quicksand at her feet, trying to suck her down until she disappeared and 'Kate Marsh' no longer existed.

Max, her shining beacon in a sea of misery, the angel created just for her.

 _God_ , did she love her.

Which was the problem in it's entirety.

x

It had happened gradually. So slowly, in fact, that Kate hadn't noticed until it was too late.

If asked, she wouldn't be able to tell you when exactly her admiration for Max had turned into something more _._

As cliche as it sounded, one day she went from seeing only a close friend and sometimes guardian angel to the person she couldn't imagine spending her life without.

The moment she understood the extent of her feelings, it was like a lightbulb had finally turned on. She was sitting in class, doodling in her notebook instead of listening to Mrs. Grant's lecture and on chance, happened to look up and across the room at Max.

The other girl had been nodding off and Kate couldn't help the giggle that had escaped her when she saw Max jerk up in the seat after leaning back too far.

Max had turned at the sound, and when she saw it was Kate, smiled sheepishly before resting her head in her arms.

They exchanged playful glances as they held each other's eyes before Max's expression shifted and a soft, almost adoring look passed over her face.

In that moment, Kate's heart skipped a beat and a resounding 'Oh' echoed in her mind.

The way Max had looked at her wasn't any different than usual. It was almost as if she had been blind to the naked emotion in the other girl's eyes until that very moment. Max had always made her heart flutter and now she knew why.

It was a troubling realization

Not surprisingly, her first concern was how she was going to reconcile her sexuality with her religion. While the video of her salacious actions when she was drugged hadn't been enough to completely isolate her from the Church, her suicide attempt had placed her on shaky ground with the other members of the congregation.

What would her pastor say if he found out Kate was harboring romantic feelings for another girl? God forbid her mother found out. She would be stricken from the family records for sure.

Still, Kate wasn't exactly ashamed of her feelings. The bond she shared with Max was pure. There was no way God would send her such a kind and compassionate person only to condemn her for falling in...like?

She wouldn't go as far as to say she was in love with Max, but it was quickly heading in that direction. And that scared her.

Kate was genuinely surprised that she was able to feel any sort of attraction to another person after what had happened to her. The fact that Max was able to elicit such feelings from her was unsettling. She couldn't fall in love with Max. She refused to. It just wasn't fair, to either of them.

Max had already helped her so much. The last thing she wanted to do was burden the other girl with her feelings.

She would not allow her emotions to dictate her actions around her best friend.

There was no way she was going to sacrifice the longest friendship she's ever had over a silly, self indulgent crush.

x

"Kate! Wait up!"

Kate instantly tensed at the call of her name. Inhaling deeply, she reminded herself to just 'breathe' as she turned in time to see Max wave goodbye to Dana and jog towards her. Darn. She had spotted Max across the hall talking to Dana earlier and hoped she would be able to slip by undetected. No such luck.

Although slightly disappointed, her heart still fluttered at the sight of the other girl and she bit her lip to stop herself from beaming. Kate fidgeted, watching Max guardedly as she allowed the other girl to catch up.

By the time she stopped in front of her, Max was breathing heavily and even hunched over to rest her hands on her knees. Kate waited for Max to catch her breath and when she did, Max grinned up at her.

"Hey, Kate." she breathed, her tone as gentle and caring as always.

"Hey, Max." Kate shifted uneasily, her eyes skittishly darting around the hall before reluctantly settling on Max's face. She chewed on her bottom lip and held her hand against her heart when it began beating painfully in her chest. "D-did you need something?"

She winced at her slight stutter. This was awful. She had never been this nervous around Max before.

Her apprehension must have been noticeable because Max's expression morphed from happiness to confusion and then concern in a matter of seconds. The other girl stepped forward and reached out as if to grab her hand only to pause at Kate's involuntarily flinch.

Max's fingers curled in on themselves as she drew back, blue eyes darkening in worry. "Hey," she said slowly, lightly scratching her cheek. "Is everything okay? You've been kind of, ah, missing in action lately."

"Everything's fine." Kate began fiddling with her cross as she attempted a small smile, if only to reassure the other girl. "I'm just a little tired."

Frowning, Max took a cursory glance around the area before moving closer, her voice softening in the process. "Are you having nightmares again?"

The question caught Kate off guard but before she could answer, Max mumbled, "If you are then maybe, I mean, can I stay over tonight?"

The expression on Max's face was so heartbreakingly hopeful that Kate felt her chest tighten to the point of discomfort. "Max." she rasped, unsure what to say. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

Damn it. Why did Max have to be so damn sweet?

When she didn't respond after a few seconds, Max nervously shuffled her feet and released a quiet laugh. "I-only if you want."

Heart pounding, Kate frowned and fretfully twisted the hem of her sweater. "You don't have to," she whispered, guilt curling in her stomach.

"Are you sure?" the earnestness in the other girl's voice caused heat to infuse in Kate's cheeks, her breath catching at the worry she could see painted clearly on Max's face. "I _really_ don't mind, Kate."

Kate bit her lip, tempted by Max's offer. But-but she couldn't risk it. As much as she hated being away from the other girl, she really needed to figure out a way to deal with her feelings and she didn't think sleeping in the same room would help.

With that in mind, Kate fixed her features into a determined expression and firmly shook her head. "Really, Max. I'll be fine."

Max's eyes widened in surprise, as if taken aback by the answer. "O-oh," she stuttered, looking down awkwardly as she palmed the back of her neck. "Right. Okay."

Swallowing thickly, Kate held her tongue when she saw the dejected expression on the other girls face. Kate gripped her cross tightly to keep from reaching out to Max to comfort her.

She took a deep breath to steel her resolve. "I'll see you later, Max."

Without waiting for a reply, Kate turned to walk away, resisting the urge to glance back.

 _It's hard now but this is for the best,_ she thought, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to convince herself these words were true. She had to believe it.

There was no way their friendship would stay the same if Max realized the full extent of Kate's feelings. And Kate loved how goods things were between them. She wasn't going to ruin it, even if it meant keeping the other girl in the dark.

Even though it hurt, she would do anything to make sure what they had didn't fall apart.

x

"I think Kate is avoiding me."

As soon as the words left Max's mouth, they cemented in her heart. She hadn't wanted to believe it; in fact, fanciful notions had spun through her mind in the attempt to explain Kate's abrupt absence but, as the days passed, she could no longer deny it.

Kate Marsh was avoiding her and she had no idea why.

The thought was a depressing one. Exhausted, Max leaned forward into her knees. The air in her best friend's room was stifling and she couldn't decide if it was the lingering smell of weed or the sudden pressure in her chest that was making it hard for her to breathe.

Chloe looked up from the computer and grinned back at her with a raised brow. "Ah, _Kate,"_ she said knowingly, as if something that hadn't yet occurred to Max clicked in her mind. "Is she why you've been acting weird lately?"

Max glanced up quickly, startled by the question. "What? What are you talking about?"

Sighing, Chloe closed Max's laptop and swiveled around to face her. Slumping in the seat, the other girl rested an arm along the back of her chair and scratched her head. "Dude, you've totally been out of it. Even more than usual."

Confused, Max frowned as she took in Chloe's words. Had she been acting weird? It was possible. The majority of her focus lately had been on trying to figure out what exactly she had done to make Kate avoid her and she hadn't made much conscious effort to pay attention to her actions regarding anything else.

"Have I?" Max questioned wearily.

Chloe's shoulders lifted in a half shrug. "Yeah. I just figured you were feeling some residual weirdness after-" she hesitated, clearing her throat after a second. "You know, everything that happened."

The vague reminder of the literal hell they suffered a few weeks ago made her flinch. Max shrunk in on herself a little even as Chloe peered at her in concern.

"Oh. Uh, no. No." she rubbed the back of her neck self consciously. "Honestly, I haven't really thought about it too much." Her lips quirked up into a small smile. "Trying to hold off the mental break down for as long as I can."

A dark chuckle escaped Chloe. "I hear you on that," she agreed with a downcast expression before shaking her head, as if to rid herself of the dark thoughts. "Anyways, back to the topic of our resident Jesus lover. What makes you think she's avoiding you?"

"I-I don't know." Max mumbled, brows furrowing in concentration. "I just feel like she is. I haven't hung out with her in forever and-and she barely responds to my texts now." her throat closed up a little and she swallowed hard. "She doesn't answer when I go to check up on her and it's like she can't even _look_ at me when we pass each other in the hall."

Max clasped her hands together, leaning her forehead against them as she took a shuddering breath. "I feel like-like she hates me."

" _Woah_ there, Maxi-pad." The bed dipped as Chloe slid in next to her and reached over to place a comforting hand on her arm. "I think you're getting ahead of yourself. You saved her life, remember?" she gently squeezed her bicep. "You're totally her hero, dude."

The term made Max's stomach twist in discomfort. She hated that word. Her constant failures quickly cycled through her mind. The word had been soured for her.

"I'm _not_ a hero, Chloe. Least of all hers." she lowered her head to the junction of her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs. "Even now, Kate still looks so sad and there's nothing I can do to help," she mumbled, sniffling in the process. "I feel so damn useless."

It was quiet in the room for a few seconds and Mas stiffened when an arm wrapped around her shoulder only to melt when she was pulled into a strong frame.

"Hey, don't talk about my best friend like that." Chloe softly objected, lightly thumping the top of Max's head. "I'm the only one allowed to be self deprecating."

The other girl sighed and slumped against Max's form. "The last thing you are is useless, Super-Max. You saved me, Kate and this entire fucked up town. You're _are_ a hero. My hero. And hers." she released a light, slightly bitter laugh. "Like, fuck, Max, that girl totally adores you. I mean, who wouldn't, right?"

"Chloe..."

"You don't have to say anything." Chloe rushed out, looking away uncomfortably. "I feel awkward enough as is. You know I'm terrible at this comforting shit."

The pressure in her chest eased a bit. Even though Chloe didn't have to, Max loved that her best friend was trying so hard for their friendship. Chloe had mellowed out a lot since the storm. She was grateful for it.

Max laid her head on Chloe's shoulder and inhaled shakily when the other girl's arm slipped around her waist and squeezed.

They sat in silence for a few minutes with Chloe periodically massaging soft circles on her back until Max finally stopped shaking.

After a moment, Chloe released her so that she could run a hand through her own hair. "Maybe Kate's just trying to figure some stuff out. It doesn't mean she hates you…" she trailed off, glancing to the side before taking calming breath. "After all the shit we've seen, some things you just gotta handle on your own, you know?"

Sniffling, Max tiredly lifted her head and weakly smiled. "When did you get so sagelike, Che?"

Those words drew a haughty snort from Chloe. Instead of responding, the other girl tugged Max down onto the bed until they were both on their backs.

"I've always been hella wise, Mad Max." Chloe quietly remarked, her lips lifting into a pained smile. "It's everyone else who's scrambling to keep up."

x


End file.
